Attempting to hide my identity....
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
You want me to do WHAT?!?
So let me introduce myself - I'm a single mom with four children, scrapping it out on my own with no child support. I've spent the past two years building a new life for all of us, having moved back to the town where I grew up. I was delighted to be back near my own family, and finally felt I had something of a support system - which was new to me. We had lived out on the West Coast, where I knew no one, and since my children were so small and so close together, and my ex-husband was very much an absentee parent, I often felt as though I was in exile. Not just exile - in lockup with four small insane people.
Don't get me wrong - I wanted to be a stay at home mom. It was frankly all I really wanted to do. I never cared about any kind of career (except perhaps writing) - I just wanted to take care of my children. I was thrilled to do that part. But by spring of 2009 I had all I could handle of that being the only aspect of my life. My family and friends were thousands of miles away, I hated the area where we lived, and I despised most of all living primarily as a single parent while stuck way out there.
One of the best things about being here - back home - was my siblings. I have several, and my brother actually lived in the same town with his own children. He had a rocky life for a while - drugs has been a problem with several of my siblings. Three different brothers have fought addiction to narcotics for years - although one lost the fight several years ago. We buried him.
The one I laughingly called 'the good brother' had gotten it together. He had been clean for several years, and had reestablished a family with a new girlfriend. He lived here with three of his kids and the girlfriend, and for a few months we actually exchanged babysitting.
There were a few things that made me a little uncomfortable though. I won't say I noticed signs of drug use, because I didn't. I chalked it up to personality differences with the girlfriend, who was the mother of my youngest niece and nephew. She came from a far different background than we did, and she was so very young - not even 21 when I met her. She did not have much education, and I tried to 'mentor' her as I could. I got very used to emergency middle of the night phone calls about pregnancy and babies and all the associated weirdness.
I didn't mind that - but I was just a little uncomfortable with her as a parent, so I didn't ask them to sit after the first few months. That was it - we still visited back and forth, I hosted all holiday and birthday gatherings, and chalked my misgivings up to a very young mother being overwhelmed by two small babies, let alone a total of seven if she kept mine. Mine were loud, but if I say so myself, all in all really well behaved.
Over the next two years at times I saw a few things - but each was easily explainable on its own. The girlfriend's mother moved in, as did a variety of her boy friends in succession. The disappearance of several prescriptions of pain pills and cough syrup for the teenager's pneumonia was chalked up to the mother. My brother got a job (finally!) and kept it for several months. My neice was withdrawn and somewhat aggressive, but I credited that to the onset of the terrible twos. My older nephew ran into trouble with truancy court, and I bought my brother's explanation of repeated illness. My own had a bad winter for sore throats too. There was an incident of domestic violence that ended up calling in the police, and I understood a very young, overwhelmed mother getting over-emotional and dramatic. My brother told me of an anonymous call to CPS, but that was supposed to have been because of the girlfriends mother and her drug use and boyfriends. Each item was explained on its own and stood on its own, and I failed to link them together. Over two years, and knowing a bit about the personalities involved, there just wasn't enough to cause undue concern. And then...
Don't get me wrong - I wanted to be a stay at home mom. It was frankly all I really wanted to do. I never cared about any kind of career (except perhaps writing) - I just wanted to take care of my children. I was thrilled to do that part. But by spring of 2009 I had all I could handle of that being the only aspect of my life. My family and friends were thousands of miles away, I hated the area where we lived, and I despised most of all living primarily as a single parent while stuck way out there.
One of the best things about being here - back home - was my siblings. I have several, and my brother actually lived in the same town with his own children. He had a rocky life for a while - drugs has been a problem with several of my siblings. Three different brothers have fought addiction to narcotics for years - although one lost the fight several years ago. We buried him.
The one I laughingly called 'the good brother' had gotten it together. He had been clean for several years, and had reestablished a family with a new girlfriend. He lived here with three of his kids and the girlfriend, and for a few months we actually exchanged babysitting.
There were a few things that made me a little uncomfortable though. I won't say I noticed signs of drug use, because I didn't. I chalked it up to personality differences with the girlfriend, who was the mother of my youngest niece and nephew. She came from a far different background than we did, and she was so very young - not even 21 when I met her. She did not have much education, and I tried to 'mentor' her as I could. I got very used to emergency middle of the night phone calls about pregnancy and babies and all the associated weirdness.
I didn't mind that - but I was just a little uncomfortable with her as a parent, so I didn't ask them to sit after the first few months. That was it - we still visited back and forth, I hosted all holiday and birthday gatherings, and chalked my misgivings up to a very young mother being overwhelmed by two small babies, let alone a total of seven if she kept mine. Mine were loud, but if I say so myself, all in all really well behaved.
Over the next two years at times I saw a few things - but each was easily explainable on its own. The girlfriend's mother moved in, as did a variety of her boy friends in succession. The disappearance of several prescriptions of pain pills and cough syrup for the teenager's pneumonia was chalked up to the mother. My brother got a job (finally!) and kept it for several months. My neice was withdrawn and somewhat aggressive, but I credited that to the onset of the terrible twos. My older nephew ran into trouble with truancy court, and I bought my brother's explanation of repeated illness. My own had a bad winter for sore throats too. There was an incident of domestic violence that ended up calling in the police, and I understood a very young, overwhelmed mother getting over-emotional and dramatic. My brother told me of an anonymous call to CPS, but that was supposed to have been because of the girlfriends mother and her drug use and boyfriends. Each item was explained on its own and stood on its own, and I failed to link them together. Over two years, and knowing a bit about the personalities involved, there just wasn't enough to cause undue concern. And then...
Friday, June 17, 2011
Write, Woman! Write!
So - you'll find out in the coming days exactly who everyone is. But I was sharing my idea for this blog with my 14 year old nephew/foster son. He frankly is amazing. This kid is maybe the reason I've rethought almost every aspect of my life in the past few months - from parenting style to my stand on drugs, ethics, morality and what it means to be family. Most importantly what it means to be family.
Just about three months ago, I became the 'kinship' parent to my two nephews and my niece. This means that they were given into my care by Child Protective Services. We all embarked on a very strange journey - and at times that means running uphill. We've had to face a stunning array of issues in a very short time - dealing with blending the two families (my four and the 'new' three), handling the constant scrutiny of various state and local government agencies, the mega-drama of our extended family, a still pending divorce (for me), the pins-and-needles day to day angst of what would happen next and if we would even be able to remain together (seven is over the limit for allowed children if any are in foster care- we had to appeal to the judge and state systems for an exception).
So - I told my big boy what I was thinking with this blog. And his response? Write woman! Write! I hope he'll contribute as well, but if not, I 'll handle it for all of us. I've discovered I'm not so bad at that part. Stay tuned...
Just about three months ago, I became the 'kinship' parent to my two nephews and my niece. This means that they were given into my care by Child Protective Services. We all embarked on a very strange journey - and at times that means running uphill. We've had to face a stunning array of issues in a very short time - dealing with blending the two families (my four and the 'new' three), handling the constant scrutiny of various state and local government agencies, the mega-drama of our extended family, a still pending divorce (for me), the pins-and-needles day to day angst of what would happen next and if we would even be able to remain together (seven is over the limit for allowed children if any are in foster care- we had to appeal to the judge and state systems for an exception).
So - I told my big boy what I was thinking with this blog. And his response? Write woman! Write! I hope he'll contribute as well, but if not, I 'll handle it for all of us. I've discovered I'm not so bad at that part. Stay tuned...
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